‘I’ve a desire to be astounding,’ said the late actor, impresario-director, wild-man Ken Campbell. And he did it. He achieved it. He was. Such energy. Such imagination. Such confidence.

Where does the desire to be astounding fit within Einstein’s plea for the quiet, modest life? I am torn. Split two ways. I don’t know what I am any more. What I should be or be doing. I need guidance. Mostly, I need help in accepting what is. Though I suspect that this in itself is my lifetimes’ work.

The doorbell went twice yesterday. Once for a delivery and the other with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I don’t want to be rude, ever. Not face to face, on the phone I am less kind. I try. But I fail. There were two of them. Two women, I think a mother and daughter. The mother-figure hung back, was the younger girl in training? The girl look a little old-fashioned, just like my friend from all those years ago used to. A little behind. She wore her hair down, long but caught back with a clip. She had on a grey pencil skirt cut away a little at the front. And a cardigan, I think. They always start with a question. How do you see the future? So there can be simple answer, I suppose. I smiled at them. I don’t want to do this, I said. I have my faith. I said. And I do, though it is often chaotic, I wanted to say but didn’t, wavery, uncertain and not based on any organised religion. I thanked them. They smiled back. Take care, I said. They are trying to do what they think is right. What they think is kind. They are trying to save us. I can respect that. It can’t be easy. Do they get much abuse. Is that why they send women?

We are off soon. There is space, there is time. Goody. Let’s see what we can unravel. May the greyness lift, eh?