I don’t have time to write much. But I wanted to say something, to ‘touch base’ as they say in American parlance. He is so kind, he gives me his attention. What more can one ask but to be noticed to be paid attention to? I was in tears, utterly floored by my fears. It’s not the how, he said. This isn’t the time to focus on the how but the doing. Ask yourself, what it is that you are going to do? It helped. He always does. And he is right. I just have to trust that the right people will come my way. I will guided, shown, in this and in all things. Trust. That is all, that is all I have to do. Like falling and believing one will be caught. I just need to let myself fall. Shall I?
I woke up with the sentence in my head. I was saying it in my head. There are curtains in my room and no way out. I am intrigued by the liminal space between sleep and waking. The merging of the two different existences where language is lost in translation. It sounds like a plea, a cry for help or is it more a statement of fact, a route to acceptance of what is. I dislike curtains, they make me feel trapped, too enclosed. I like to see light whenever I can.
I got so stressed. There was just too much to do and I wanted to concentrate, be in a quiet space with my writing. I became a scratchy, bit-ey creature, distinctly nasty – just as I felt inside. Poor love, he got the brunt of it. Such is love, eh? I wanted to solve it, to get to the plain sailing bit but I didn’t, there wasn’t the time. Here there and everywhere and being so cross about it. Consequently, my stomach is in knots this morning, groaning and yawling.
The morning was still as I walked, lovely. A few students roamed the Prom. One girl was in pyjamas with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She didn’t give me eye contact. She was withdrawn, her hair in heavy strands around her face. One lad came out of the new council flats on Mill Street, swaying. He was reading his mobile phone when I walked past on the other side of the road. He must’ve spotted me for he started to shout out. Yo! Or at least that is what it sounded like. Yo! he shouted again. What do I say? I looked at him. Yo! yer fuckin’….he didn’t finish the sentence but turned and headed towards Bridge Street. I don’t think he even saw me, I was just a figure to launch aggression on. My hackles rose a little but I kept moving, walking towards home. A homeless man sat on a bench by the station, all his belongings beside him. We looked at each other. Morning, I said. Hello, he said. Climbing the little hill towards the Buarth I heard a wailing, not unlike the sound I heard yesterday. I can’t write it. It was a kind of aeeragh! In the gloom I saw a figure, he was clutching his stomach and groping at doors. Then I heard a key in a lock and he was in.
Must get on. I want to crack it. Tea then write. Onward.
I am assailed by it, I have been most of my life. It reduces me, shrinks me. And yet, it is part of me. Others might call it vulnerability, sensitivity – and not necessarily a bad thing. I try to not let it stop me living, trying, trying to be brave. I create but doing so scares. I need to follow the lines some days, allow though I’ve always been crap at doing so. Even when I used to ‘colour-in’ as a child, I couldn’t stay within the lines, my colouring crayon would always go over and it would mortify me. I need to write today. It is my job, my living, if a sparse one. And then there is this project – this great scary monster of thing that is forcing me to encounter one of my worst fears -computers and unfamiliar computer software. Try it, she advises, give it a go, play around abit. She makes it sound fun. To me it isn’t. I am terrified, even downloading it, if the blurb is to be believed, is dangerous. Is there someone out there would could help me? I have the ideas and want to make them happen but how? Oh, and to make something trite and amateurish is worse, worse of all. Breathe. There are other things to concentrate on today. Oh, God make me brave.
It’s ages since we spoke, she and I. I got through. She has another cold. Their Christmas was quiet though they had unexpected visitors. I felt her distress over this, I too am a retiring soul like her. I love to see people, to converse but on my terms, not unexpectedly. But she managed it, though it, and the impromptu take away Indian the friends brought, played havoc with their digestions. There is something 19th century about her and her small life, as there is about me and mine. Kindred souls. She asked after me too. How I like her, cherish her even. Keep her safe. And me. And him. And her. And her.
I leave notes for myself, usually of something, a word, phrase of title of a book that I heard on the radio. Sometimes these notes, generally tiny yellow post-it squares, sit on a page in my filofax (yes, I still have one, finding it preferable to putting such information into my phone) and either are responded to or get moved on till there is time to deal with them directly. The Bald Prima Donna note was written down after hearing a programme about Surrealist Theatre in which one of the contributors had said it was Ionescu’s best work. I loved The Chairs, both to read and to see (I saw it in the Ustinov studio in Bath a while back – how many years? Ten?) It is marvellous spare writing. The Theatre of the Absurd. If only I’d had the courage all those years ago…..Still it is in me, that training, those ideas have been ingested. They stay in me. And life, after all, is a compromise. I shall look the play out. One day.
I want a quiet day today. I shall need courage tomorrow. It will be my first review for them and writing about ceramics always makes me a little nervous. Do I know enough? Am I charlatan? I asked him pretty much that same question at breakfast. Should I be embarking on a project where the principal method of communication is wholly new to me? He said, of course. And I know this, I know that many artists use other people’s expertise to produce their work. It has been so for centuries. It’s a control thing and a fear thing. But if I am to break out of the smallness of my experience I need to reach out beyond, into the unknown. Isn’t that so? The ideas, the concept, the initiation and graft will be mine. Won’t that make it mine also?
Enough with the worrying. There is a cardigan to mend (much loved) then a pot of tea to make and then sewing to do. Nice. Today it is enough.
We thought they were feathers. A bird, I said as he was locking our door, it’s probably been caught by a cat. They were everywhere. Our communal hall was full of them. But as we got closer I realised that they were in fact pine needles, great clumps of them. Someone had clearly dragged a dead Christmas tree through and not bothered, or felt obliged to clean up afterwards. And just after I’d begun reading the monk’s book about cleaning too. He wouldn’t approve. Though perhaps would not, being a Buddhist have passed judgement. He got agitated, and so did I. And yet, what is the point? We could clean it ourselves. Or get in touch with the agency and report it. All our actions impact on others. There is no getting away from it. But also we need to accept that people’s standards are different. I just want to be at peace. Let it be, eh?
I love the randomness of the words that my subconscious choses to express. Moire Soup was supposed to be the name of shop or business that someone in my dream told me we had worked for. Where did that come from? Lots and lots of dreams that really and truly pull me under. Dreams of friends in Norway – I so often go there in my dreams – conversing with them, working things through with them. One involved a toilet door I thought I’d locked but she came in regardless.
I have begun it. I’ve walked into it – started it on its rolling course. What did Goethe say about beginnings? I try to remain a little detached. It is both exciting but deeply frightening. (Is it really excitement I feel? Is that honest? Excitement is too strong an emotion to feel in my present ‘Winter-blue’ state but I’m intrigued and interested in the challenge it will set me. And the opportunity to converse with people – I love that. I always have. What a conundrum – and me such a solitary, diffident being. We shall see. I can let it be. Do the work, see the detail and wait and see. As with all these things there is so much I do not know. Can I find people to help me?
I’ve had a coffee, now it is time for some tea then down to the nitty-gritty sending out my feelers. Godspeed.
I woke from my dream realising that I hadn’t managed to photograph the horses. They weren’t real horses but sculptures of them made from wicker. They’d been placed on top of hill and I’d kept intending to slip out and take an image of them but the house I was living in was busy so that I was distracted. People kept coming in and out, visitors from foreign lands mostly. Just before waking I’d been saying goodbye to them. I think they were on a large ship and somehow I’d gone aboard the ship even though they’d set sail to bid them a proper adieu. I hugged and kissed each one, though I didn’t know them that well, but none of them seemed to appreciate it or indeed, welcome my intimacy. Most were scowling as they huddled together. I continued to be as warm towards them as I could be despite the chill coming from them. I woke disconcerted however, and a gloomy bleakness overtook me.
I try to manage these winter blues, if that is what they are. I don’t hide from them or try to smother them. I walk with them, investigate them, shine a light on them, anything to find a strategy of living with them and managing them. They assail me. They weigh me down, my feet feel leaden, but worse they take the fire out of my courage, my willingness to take on challenges by kindling my innate desire to hide, to hunker down and just exist. Will they pass? It is still so so black outside. And today I must face the clumsy beginnings of my idea for the project, and worse, worst of all begin to engage with the ACWs guidelines. Such language represents the worst kind of authority for me, rigid, uncompromising and often unkind. I take my tender ideas to them knowing that they may be crushed, stamped on, made ridiculous but do it I must. And bravely. How I long to run, to escape. I could. But I won’t.
I sat in the cafe alone, even the owners were elsewhere. No radio, no sound. It felt calm. Soon she came, walking fast, open and friendly. Tea with soya milk. It was cold, and I was glad for my wrap. I chatted to her, feeling duty bound though I wanted to begin work. She is sweet and was distressed by the violent attack in the town, her town, on Saturday night. He was just left for dead, she said, who would do that? We talked about cleaning windows and the efficacy of vinegar and newspaper. My Mum used to do that, she said. Customers dribbled in. Two loud women sat in the booth next to me and talked about upholstery and overeating at Christmas. I couldn’t get into my trousers, said one. I worked steadily trying to push through my inner judgement. He said he was proud of what I’d done. Then work and the taciturn young singer. Then the carpenter. A nice lad, a climber.
I survived the day. The returning after the holidays. It is enough. Now it is time to make some sense of what I wrote. But coffee first.
It was the last thing that was said in my dream as I woke. I’d said it to the actor who plays the Prof in The Archers and who’d played a character the Agatha Christie radio adaptation of And Then There Were None that I’d listened to yesterday. Why not go for Jane Eyre? I said. I’d been suggesting that he acted the part of Jane Eyre, that I do know, and at the time had not thought it odd that I should do so. Perhaps it was the influence of listening to Rupert Everett on Desert Island Discs and his recounting playing Titania and his dressing up as Mary Poppins in one of his mother’s tweed skirts. I love the idiosyncrasy of dreamscapes – anything goes, anything is possible.
I’m nervous about beginning work again today. Not only going into the studio but initiating this potential project. It feels huge. A huge mountain. I want it but at the same time I want to run a mile. To hide. I don’t feel brave. Does it matter? Can I do these potentially big things without courage? There is such a pull in me between needing to create, to challenge myself and to step beyond the confines of what I know to be safe and this, at times, overwhelming desire to hide, to shrink down and wait life out. I feel like one of those push-me-pull-mes of Dr Doolittle’s, so uncertain which part of myself to follow that I end up going nowhere. And yet, I love the charge I feel when I am fired up with the prospect of something – the engagement, the opportunity to step outside of my small inner self but oh, the pain of not knowing whether I will do it well enough. There is no way around it I have to straddle the two selves and manage the best I can. Acknowledging each of their two separate presences and needs is part of it, I think, listening to both and trying to find some kind of compromise. So, this is where I am, here now, vulnerable, uncertain, scared but willing to give it a go. It’s life after all. Well, as far as I know it to be.
The sparkly things have come down, though some will do it today. Have they resolved when twelfth night is yet? Meanwhile the dark reigns supreme. Though there will be snowdrops and crocuses and daffodils soon. Amen to that.
You’re such a sensitive girl, he tells me, as I recount yet another radio programme that I have listened to that has moved me. But it’s not about me, I want to say, and sometimes do, it’s about those whose lives have been shared with me, and what they have had to endure, such as the woman yesterday, that child of a liaison between a married white British woman and a black GI during the Second World War. Her tale was harrowing from her ‘father’s’ (he thought she was his till her skin changed colour) and then her mother’s rejection of her, the children’s home, her adoptive parents and, what I found most shocking, the blatant racism she encountered from one particular primary school teacher. She would be just a little older than he is and yet her voice still breaks when she recounts it. Such cruelty. Why did we do it, still do, this abusing of those who appear different to us?
We’ve been watching Sanditon and this too is attempting to ‘deal’ with racism, namely the slave trade that made so many of the British landowners wealthy. Otis, the lover of Miss Lambe, talks to Charlotte of the man who gave him his ‘freedom’ and an education. And of course, there is Miss Lambe herself, the daughter of a black female slave and a white plantation owner in Antigua. It is only her 100 thousand pounds that makes her acceptable in white society. Though when she is apart from those who know her wealth, as she was when she tried to get a coach to London, she is seen as just a mulatto.
We spend too long concentrating on our seeming ‘differences’ and not enough on that which binds us, joins and entwines us. Give us grace to learn this, and just be kind. It is enough.
He told him a few days later that they would be coming round to discuss a bypass with him. He hasn’t said anything further except for text moaning that he couldn’t ‘kip’. He tells me that is what hospitals are like. He had the same experience when he was there in A&E for three days.
My laptop is playing up again. I try to keep calm though I feel the stress rising like a tide in me. He is so kind, so patient with me. It will be solved. Eventually. Meanwhile no one answers the phone. The curse of the Christmas period.
Give me peacefulness and a serenity. And the ability to trust. And yet, even in this panic I know that there are so many in terrible situations that I cannot even begin to comprehend. May they too find peace.