I think it is from a song. A little clichéd but I often find myself singing it as I walk under the moon’s white, luminous light. It was stunning this morning. I walk in the dark to lessen its fears for me. The complete dark, the pitch that is out there now, is so terrible but less so once one is out in it. It did make everything look silvery – the sea, the rooftops. There was barely a breeze but the air was cold. I had on my enormous, extremely expensive coat which is, if I am honest, more than a struggle to walk in. It is long and tight to the body, I cannot stride out. So I walk holding its skirts, lifting it up a little so that my legs can stretch out. But it is warm and I want warmth, am greedy for it. My fingers are a little numb with cold now – though I have the little fire on and a hot water bottle. Work has begun to return and I breathe a little. One last night and one this morning. Did J say something? Mind you what can he do. I prefer to think of it as serendipity. Out of my control. It will come when it is ready.
I also think about doing a PhD. It is my default mechanism when I am wobbly – or downright scared. This will whip it into shape. And yet, what will it bring me – more of that hard relentless judgement. Do I really need it? Won’t it be a thorn in my side? Isn’t it just that it would give me an explanation, something to say. A legitimate reason for what I am doing. And yet, might I lose the fun, the experimentation, the following of my nose? Let it be as it is. All of it. Every aspect, just let it be what it is.
I keep falling asleep at the keyboard. I went to bed later because of work. Time to spring up now. Up you get. Greet the day, the darkness…….