Cold (2)

I didn’t walk. I reset the alarm and had another hour and half in bed instead. Then I dreamt about Brian from The Archers and J from the writing course (who for the purposes of my dream were married) walking in the Swiss Alps when all I could do was sit and watch. They came passed me twice as I sat on a chair with all the other residents of that Swiss village, looking all smug and self-satisfied. I missed my tramping. Though I don’t feel strong. My voice is going and my chest is hard and resistant. I must see it through and accept the rest it is insisting I give my body. I dreamt frequently in that in and out time between when I normally wake and that later time. I had to wash and get dressed but the clothes weren’t mine. And M was there in an awful shirt. Did I want to have his bath water? he asked. No thanks, I said, I’ve already bathed. Did he believe me? Did I really care?

I have to adapt my application. Of course, I do. I must be steady and act on his advice, it was, is, well meant. Do it for the other people involved. Let them benefit. I shouldn’t have told her. Shouldn’t have put it that way. I am shamed by it. Keep it to yourself and question all things. Remember the mind is not always to be trusted.

One baby step. I’ve ordered the books at the Nat Library and all being well with my chest I will begin my research tomorrow. I know so little. Let the adventure begin. Let it unfold. So much is in the dark. I am working in the dark. No safety. And yet I am safe. I am choosing all of this. Did they miss me? The seagulls, the starlings, the police patrol, the milkman, the late-working students in their windows – did they miss me this morning?