It was the last thing that was said in my dream as I woke. I’d said it to the actor who plays the Prof in The Archers and who’d played a character the Agatha Christie radio adaptation of And Then There Were None that I’d listened to yesterday. Why not go for Jane Eyre? I said. I’d been suggesting that he acted the part of Jane Eyre, that I do know, and at the time had not thought it odd that I should do so. Perhaps it was the influence of listening to Rupert Everett on Desert Island Discs and his recounting playing Titania and his dressing up as Mary Poppins in one of his mother’s tweed skirts. I love the idiosyncrasy of dreamscapes – anything goes, anything is possible.
I’m nervous about beginning work again today. Not only going into the studio but initiating this potential project. It feels huge. A huge mountain. I want it but at the same time I want to run a mile. To hide. I don’t feel brave. Does it matter? Can I do these potentially big things without courage? There is such a pull in me between needing to create, to challenge myself and to step beyond the confines of what I know to be safe and this, at times, overwhelming desire to hide, to shrink down and wait life out. I feel like one of those push-me-pull-mes of Dr Doolittle’s, so uncertain which part of myself to follow that I end up going nowhere. And yet, I love the charge I feel when I am fired up with the prospect of something – the engagement, the opportunity to step outside of my small inner self but oh, the pain of not knowing whether I will do it well enough. There is no way around it I have to straddle the two selves and manage the best I can. Acknowledging each of their two separate presences and needs is part of it, I think, listening to both and trying to find some kind of compromise. So, this is where I am, here now, vulnerable, uncertain, scared but willing to give it a go. It’s life after all. Well, as far as I know it to be.
The sparkly things have come down, though some will do it today. Have they resolved when twelfth night is yet? Meanwhile the dark reigns supreme. Though there will be snowdrops and crocuses and daffodils soon. Amen to that.