Yielding (105)

It was a kind of warm-up exercise. I think they got us to try and do it during my teacher training, or it could’ve been as far back as my the Theatre Design degree. I cannot remember. Anyway, it involved letting oneself fall. Letting oneself go limp and dropping knowing that someone would catch you. Essentially it was about falling backwards, not rigidly, but softly, in the belief that you would be caught. Trusting. Trusting that you would be caught. I found it supremely difficult. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let myself go and trust that someone would be there. And yet, I longed to do it. To soften, to trust, to yield. I love it when someone takes my head in their hands during a massage. I love the feel of hands around my skull and letting my neck let go of all that burden of thought. So heavy.

Yielding. It’s so simple. Just let go. Just let it happen. Stop trying to make it happen, to influence, to bully life into going your way. Simple. Just stop. Let be what will be. Let be. So wise, so simple and so impossible. We are encouraged to go for it, to take charge of our lives, be warriors. And I am sick of it. My knowing is small. My knowing is nothing. I know nothing. I KNOW NOTHING. Not a thing. How can I know what is right? What if there isn’t a right? Or a wrong? Just being. Just being. And letting be. Ah, yes, of course there are all those arguments about war, about self-defence, about protecting the weak, the vulnerable, the innocent. Of course. But essentially isn’t it about promoting peace? Inside. Inside first. To let go is a potent decision. It may not appear to be, but it is. It is charged. Alive. Just to stop. To stop all this pushing.

So much fear. I listened to her talk on the radio about the ancient Greeks going off to consult the Delphic Oracle. What should we do? What should we be? What is going to happen? Give us hope. Hope is what they wanted, needed. To be saved. To be saved from the not knowing. And yet, we don’t know. We know nothing. All is guesswork. She had her tarot cards read. The Justice card came up, and she seemed pleased. I like the tarot. I like the symbolism, the magic of them. But I have stopped reading them. It is enough. They seem to churn up more fear rather than lessen it. We are not meant to know. Our state is to be in the dark. To act from within that darkness. Deep within it at times. To engender a peace within that then manifests without. And to trust. That is all we can do. Oracles, tarots cannot decide our way. For life will come regardless. Life will come with its shocks and changes.

What do I want from her? I want to reach her. To find a warmth between us. I want us to be at peace with each other. I do not understand her. We are so different. In my head I accuse her of bullying, and yet, am I any different? I send out a prayer to let me reach her. If it is to be. Then so be it.