It didn’t work. My blood pressure went sky high. So be it. I will accept it. I need them. She was right and I was wrong. I feel a little foolish. I thought I was well. I thought my body and I could make it alone. But no. I was light-headed, a bit strange even after just two days without them. They’ve been keeping me steady. I must and will acknowledge that, with gratefulness. So many people have to take such nasty medication to stay alive. I am a little naïve, at times, I think. Though is that so bad? I want to take charge myself. That is what it is about. I didn’t want the stigma. I do my best. That is all I can do. Just try. In all things.
I will put my little film forward again. I put it off. It is such a palaver downloading it. But I will try. I see my faltering steps so much more vividly than my confident ones. What am I confident about? Not much. Grow younger towards death, he says. How can we grow younger towards death? By remaining curious, by learning to do new things, always. Like William Hague learning to play the piano in his late forties or was it early fifties? Not being afraid to fall flat on one’s face. It is the trying.
Boring is interesting, a voice said in my head just before waking. I so often forget the landscapes of my dreams. They come to me like smoke during the day, wisps of something I know, deeply but cannot now recall. I need to ask before I sleep. Ask to be helped to remember. I like to keep them. They are my treasures, my insights, my knowing.
Give me the greater knowing. Please.
Shall we go for coffee? Shall I wake him?