I wasn’t expecting it. It came with such a force. A remembered thing from long ago – that neediness that embarrasses me so and which I try to smother with an often too abrupt capable-ness. I am not capable, not in those situations. I have no confidence in what I know, what I can offer and yet the desire and joy of learning, of grasping things and making sense of them is such a potent thing for me. I cried because I was shamed by my need to be praised, to be recognised as good enough. It has always been there, far, far back when a gold star in my exercise book was a prize indeed. I made myself mouse-ish then, not now. He tried to show me that it is normal, that we all act up in company – Symbolic Interactionism, he called it. And he is right. With my teacher’s hat on I can see this. But oh, the ache of it. I want to learn, let that be enough, the rest, the wanting to be noticed can be let go. Can’t it?
