I was over-tired. Not enough sleep makes me cranky. And her asking me if ‘I was up for another’ was the last straw. I wanted to stop. I needed to stop. To implode and have some empty space ahead of me. I could’ve said no, and was childishly petulant when he wouldn’t give me permission to do so. I don’t want to infantilise you, he said, with his usual wisdom, adding, even though at this moment you want me to. And he was right. I wanted him to save me, to carry me. He cannot do that and when I am strong and well rested I don’t want him to. So I said yes. Of course I did. It is my living. Nevertheless, I heard all those petulant voices in my head, longing to snap and carp at him. He is sanguine. He knows me. He knows that my crossness is short-lived and that I will think again, evaluate my behaviour and be remorseful. As I was and am. And I am grateful for the work. Always. It was a learning day, certainly.
