ellen bell

They weren’t there this morning though I’d seen them the two mornings before. There were at least two of them. That is at least two occupied the deckchairs, there could have been one more sitting on the sand but it was too dark to tell. Were they the same people I’d seen a week or so ago, both with sticks, hobbling their way onto the beach? The deckchairs were always placed in the same way, facing Aberdovey rather than the sea. Well, why would you? he said at breakfast, you can’t see the sea in the dark. Fair point but then why sit there? The beach slopes and it’s stony and cold first thing. But I like such eccentricity. After all look at my habits. Two lads were sitting on a bench on the Perygl as I walked along it today. I couldn’t make them out very distinctly. I saw the white of their trainers first. They talked quietly, as if respecting the stillness of the morning, heavy with cloud.

I watch her life from afar and remain a little entranced. I don’t want it for myself but I am made curious by her continued hopefulness and the way she sets out on each new adventure washed clean of her past. Good luck to her I say. Isn’t any kind of joy worth celebrating? Don’t we all feel some of its glow?

I love the taste, the slight crunch of them, on salads and mixed in with brown rice but it is mainly the smell of them toasting (in our tiny frying pan – no fat, just dry) that I adore. It smells like butter. He can’t be doing with nuts, I can’t get enough of them, except for peanuts (though I miss peanut butter, along with so many things…..)

There are two of them lying in the gutter between the pavement and the road along Llanbadarn Road. Even after three days they are still mostly intact. One is folded up, its wings curled in, the other is splayed open, as if in flight. They still have their speckled fledgling plumage. They are young birds, killed no doubt by cars racing by. Killed by their unworldly-ness, their unawareness of danger, still calling for their parents. I hear them nightly, that keening call, why have you abandoned me?

Why don’t you tell her that’s not how you spell it? he asks. Always the teacher. I can’t and won’t. What we have is tender and I want to preserve it not crush it. It doesn’t matter, does it? Not really. Not in the whole scheme of things. My role in her life is so fragile. Or at least that is how it feels. I want to bring her joy. Always.

It took us both a while to remember her name. I found it eventually via Howards Way of all things. Kate O’Mara. That’s it, he said. That’s who she looks like.

The stuff I try to do first thing – such as emails and admin has taken too long so I’m rushing through this eager to get on with some work.

It was John Humphries on his Sunday afternoon Classic FM show that mentioned him. At least I think it was Brahms he was referring to. He talked about his lack of confidence and how he was overshadowed by Bach and other great composers and that he took 20 years to complete his first or was it a particular symphony? How I understand though I can claim none of his greatness.

Listening to a version of Raffles on the radio Bunny Manders mentioned a cab that he called a growler. Why?

Saw the man again this morning. I’ve mentioned him before. He has mental issues, bless him. He was sitting outside the block of flats again in his stocking feet. This his socks were holed. He just stared at me, his hair wild.

We often watch him with his little daughter. He and his partner are Dutch. He does the parenting. I think she is an academic at the University. He has a loping walk, she is often running ahead, turning to see if he is following. He is relaxed, I’ve only once heard him raise his voice to the little one. I like him. I like the Dutch. I have good memories of them. We say hello now and then when we pass by their flat with its mountains of washing drying outside. When it has been hot they’ve blown up a little paddling pool for the girl. Her shrieks of pleasure are carried up to our upper window. We saw him yesterday and said hello. He said something about a comet. I’ve been watching for it, he said. It is supposed to be visible at night and in the morning but the skies have been so cloudy. He laughed then. I wanted to be an astronomer, he said.

I am discombobulated. First I tried to figure out how to clean the filter in our new dehumidifier and couldn’t find it. Then I broke a glass object that I’ve had since we lived in Cambridge. And now a pillow case that I was washing has just disappeared. It isn’t in the machine or caught up in the duvet or sheet. A mystery. It unsettles me. I am distrait. But I know that peace is within my grasp. I just need to shrug it off. All will be solved. Eventually.

The mist has cleared outside. And now the sun is shining. I am grateful for that, the relentless rain of yesterday did begin to weigh heavy upon me.

The morning was heavy with mist when I walked. I put on the light of my torch to walk down St David’s Road, made dark by the heavy trees that line it. I saw a white figure (reminiscent of the ghostly one of Anne Catherick in The Woman in White which we are currently watching). It was the Indian man I sometimes see in the early mornings. He wears the full Indian dress, white tunic and trousers and a turban. His beard is long and white. Today he had on a Western padded coat. I heard his steps. He walked fast. I said Good Morning but he didn’t reply. Perhaps he doesn’t speak English, perhaps he was deep in a mediational kind of a walk, perhaps he is ghost, a figment of my imagination. Though the other day I did think he nodded at my nod. He took me by surprise emerging through the mist like that. As the car did yesterday. I walk in the road, not sensible I know but usually no one is about. He walked in the road too.

Several dreams last night. The one I remember, or forced myself to remember involved a coach trip (perhaps inspired by listening to Agatha Christie’s Nemesis on the radio) with a group of elderly ladies. One was Norwegian was it Tante A? Anyway she remarked that my Norwegian was improving and I spoke to her in Norwegian by way of a reply. I remember thinking in my dream that is quite fluent. Or was it in my head? The veils are thin between the two in dreamland. We had arrived at stop-off point and I had to sign some kind of a treaty or referendum, the others had already done so. I had to go into this gift shop to do so. A man stood behind the counter. There were several shops to choose from. I wanted to hurry so I could rejoin the women. We’re going to the beach, said one of them, it’s cooler there. The rest has gone from me.

Enough. Tea then work. It calms me.

I was doing my yoga and listening to the radio. An adaptation of Paul Scott’s Raj Quartet was on and one of the characters was saying to another that he was clearly a tidy person. Tidy people, he said, are always trying to wipe the slate clean. I paraphrase, of course, but it struck me. We are. We are trying to wipe the slate clean, of all it, all our misdemeanours.

My night was full of angry dreams. I was angry with people, him, an ex, and a woman who had purloined (if that is the right word) the machine in the launderette that I was using. She’d thrown her washing in when I wasn’t looking. I was washing other people’s clothes, two women’s mostly. One of which saw my underwear showing and reached out to touch it enviously. I wasn’t a servant but I was serving them in some way. The woman who stole the machine was a different race from me and she scowled as I scowled. She was in the basement where the machine was located. I had to lean down into a tunnel to reach it. Another dream was based around a wedding. This one seemed to be about clothes too. We were in my ex’s in laws’ house, meeting them all prior to the big event. One of them, a gaudy outspoken woman was showing us her collection of medals (they were the kind you get out of cereal packet) and saying how adding to this collection would be a good idea for a present. Were we to get one for her too, as well as the bride and groom? (I think perhaps this has come from the Raj Quartet also – one of the characters, an elderly woman called Barbie had given the bride and groom a set of silver tea spoons. They are each an apostle, you see, she’d said delightedly. And then she’d got so distressed when she hadn’t seen them displayed with the other gifts.) I hadn’t liked this woman’s clothes – too garish as my mother would’ve said. But I’d felt bad about it and tried to hide it as best I could.

There were over twenty mobile homes parked up along the harbour. People wandered about, even at that hour. I skirt my way around them, not wanting to give offence. Now it rains and he ums and ahs about walking.

I’m always wary of those I see out in the early morning as I walk. As they probably are of me.

I saw him lumbering his way in my direction at the other end of Chalybeate Street. There was something about his choice of hat that made me edgy. And his gait, its unevenness also raised my hackles. He wasn’t drunk but perhaps he’d escaped some sort of institution. I feel guilty about making such assumptions, nay judgements about my fellow man but it’s a safety thing. A be prepared thing. He shouted to me. His voice was a little too loud. A man with what these days they would call ‘learning difficulties’. Though what does it matter? He was a man. And a friendly one, at that.

Good morning, he shouted. Good morning, I said back. Top of the morning to you, he continued, the early bird catches the worm. It certainly does, I replied. We were passing each other now, though still on opposite pavements. Have a good day, he said, see you again. And then he was gone, his shouts still echoing off the buildings.

There was a young seagull standing on the pavement at the far end of Llanbadarn Road. I saw its form in shadow as I approached. It didn’t move at the sight or sound of me. It didn’t even shift, just stood there. I stepped into the road so as not to unnerve it.

The pavements in town are still strewn with debris from bags that the gulls have ripped open, throw-away blue face masks have begun to join the fish and chip cartons, the crisp packets and sandwich wrappers.

I would rather go and meet it than have it forced on me, unawares. But the meeting of it, or the running or walking to meet it, is never easy. I spent the day putting myself into another box that isn’t of my design. I want it. Or at least part of me does just so that I can live with myself. It is the best of it. If I have to go out to work than I’d rather do something that helps others than not. At least there is meaning in it. And the meaning, the worth of it will carry it along. It’s just the forms and the statements and the cvs that are not reflective of me of what I’ve been and what I’ve become. I don’t fit. I mean well, I work hard but I don’t fit into other people’s boxes. I don’t even fit into my own. Another encounter with people today. First day for wearing a mask. Having to. I want my feet done. They hurt. But I long to stay here, safe. Another good thing came through the email. The possibility of another article. Fingers crossed. Is this what I am supposed to do? Is there ever to be a clear light?

It mizzles with rain outside. We were to picnic with flasks on the Prom before my appointment but this morning it will just feel miserable so we and the flasks will stay here. Heigh ho. What it is to be loved and cared for.

I started reading the introduction to a book on Edward Lear’s Collected Nonsense. I had no idea that he was such a fascinating man. But then why shouldn’t he have been? Aren’t we all, in our ways? And he had his trials, for all his seeming blitheness (as exhibited in his comic drawings and writings) – his epilepsy for one (a condition that was far from understood in the Victorian times) and his bouts of depression. He called them The Morbids. His playing with words was pure delight. I want to make some drawings inspired by them, though I am daunted, overshadowed, eclipsed by his brilliance. Somewhere in the introduction the writer mentioned a quote about learning – learning as happiness. An apposite thought when our powers that be are still trundling on about education being purely a means to an end, that end being a job. What of joy, eh?

I’ve heard the plaintive cries from what I take to be a fledgling, ousted from its nest to make its own way, the last two evenings as I’ve lain in bed. It breaks my heart. And I know that the Krays (our neighbours very expensive cats) are at large and they will have it. I don’t know where it is, somewhere in the wilderness yonder, in the undergrowth or among the trees. It calls and calls and no parent responds.

The sentence in my head when I woke was ‘fighting the parents of peace’. Not sure why. Oh, and the mobile homes are back at the harbour. Even in the rain. And I forgot to say that the other day I saw a couple, both on crutches (she had one he two) making their way to South Beach at 4.00 am in the morning with two fold-up deckchairs. There’s nowt stranger than folk.

The rain washed them away. All those mobile homes and campervans that littered the harbour have gone. Fair weather visitors, they’re not here for the long haul. As I neared the harbour I could see a light bobbing on top of the water. It was a boat, a fishing boat, a small one setting off for a day’s fishing. There are still lots of boats on stilts on the harbour’s edge. Some are for sale, some grow shabby for disuse and neglect while others await a coat of paint. They seem sad out of the water, cumbersome and plain wrong. Though I like to look at them, even in the gloom of the early morning. They are statuesque, noble beings, that in their simple wooden forms withstand so much.

I woke from dream after dream about The Moonstone, which we are currently immersed in. I know the book, and the theatrical adaptation, having being FOH at The Royal Exchange in the nineties when they had a long run of it, but this film from 1996 is new to me. It has a stellar cast, including Keeley Hawes, Greg Wise and Patricia Hodge and the glorious Anthony Sher as Sergeant Cuff. They all look so young and fresh-faced. A lifetime away.