Change (5)

Is it change for changes sake or am I justified in wanting it? I know that it’s an inner change that is needed not an outer but can’t an outer alteration instigate an inner one too? I yearn for simplicity. Is it there already and I just can’t see it? Probably. I am blessed I know this. I have much autonomy and freedom but I don’t have the security, the safety of knowing what is coming and when. My time isn’t always my own. Wouldn’t another form of work bring a much needed certainty? Or am I pie-in-the-sky-ing again? Do I do that? Am I unrealistic? I want to work hard, I want to earn my way but I also need to do my real work. I need space to develop it, to become better. We discuss the options and I still don’t know what is for the best. And yet I long to change. To throw it out and begin again. To order, to sort out. To wipe the slate clean. It’s all the paraphernalia of working for a huge organisation. It is so shabby, so bitty. And trying to log on a moment ago, and having to change my password and forgetting my last and then having to ring up to report it. Ugh! Such a waste of time when I want to be writing. Or am I just procrastinating? Write then. Just write. Let the rest take care of themselves. I am blessed. He is so kind. So patient. I am in a no-mans land of uncertainty. Let it be so.

I saw him sleeping in the Prom shelter yesterday but not today. The wind was strong. Students still milled about, shouting, coatless.

The morning is trying to break through.

My writing was turgid yesterday, slow and clunky. Keep going, write yourself through it.

Nothing is happening. Everything has ground to a halt.

Your copy will be with you soon, she writes. Good. A fantastic issue, she writes.

Find your calm. It is there. It is always there. Stand there in it. Let the rest fall away.

By Ellen Bell

Artist and writer currently living in Aberystwyth.