I think about it all the time and I just don’t have any sense of what is the right thing to do. I cannot and do not know her. There is no second guessing, ever. I do my best, I do believe that. I want to be kind, to do what I can to smooth her path. We bought him a coat. We took time in deciding upon the right one. But we are in the dark. I am in the dark. And there is never any response. Does she like it that way? I don’t ask for thanks, just an acknowledgement that she has received whatever it is that I have sent, that I have made a difference, however small. Maybe I will stop sending them things. Maybe it is not an entirely selfless gesture. I want to touch them, to be there, in that room with them when they tear the wrapping. Perhaps she senses my wanting and that makes her crueller. Her lack of response strips me of my skin, just as she did. I need it. I need to hold myself together. I cannot be always opening myself up like this. I will save for them. Won’t that be better?
