I’ve always struggled determining the shape of my life. What am I, what shall or should I be? There has never been one distinct path to follow. I wobble, I always have.
I got an email saying that there was a vacancy. Should I, shouldn’t I? I asked him. No, he said, I want you at home. (It isn’t how it sounds, he means, meant to be at home, to do my own work, to be with him.) I sent my CV anyway. I told him and he was cross, no not cross, frustrated. I don’t know that I want it. Perhaps I just want to determine if they might want me. I’ve thought about it all day. I would lose much to gain what? A sense of a life more noble. I’ve done this alot during my almost sixty years, this sending something out there to see what comes. Sometimes it excites me, now less and less. What will I do if they get in contact? I don’t know. I don’t know that I could do it. Will you guide me? What do you want of me? What do I want of myself?
Just be happy, he says. We have enough. Yes?