I am a mess of indecision. Should I walk with music or not? I decided to do so and walked home to the lush, chocolate-y tones of Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker singing Get the Healing Done. ‘We’re going to get the healing done. Till you’re satisfied with your life. Till you’re living in the light…Till you find your original face…’ Gorgeous. I love to walk with shuffle on. Anything could come on. Norwegian lessons, Proust, Christmas carols, whatever. I let it choose. I should live more like this. I always trust it is the right thing for me to hear – why not live the same way?

She talked of striking a pose like Superwoman. A TED lecture. She was good. It was something to do with aping animals when they are scared or under threat and making the body big. So arms akimbo and legs astride and think of that blue leotard, red tights and gold boots – that’s it. Apparently it stimulates brave, go-getting hormones in the body. It fools it. Go on, she said, fake it. And keep faking it. And soon, she said, you will belong.

‘She felt almost afloat with the sense of possibility.’ I was listening to an audio reading on the radio this morning of Back When We Were Grown Ups by Anne Tyler and I scribbled down this quote. I am entranced by the book and by her writing. I identify so much with Rebecca the main protagonist. She is searching, lost, and going back to the past to find her way back. I think. I’ve yet to get to the end. I too feel that afloat-ness with possibility but usually when I am out of my life, travelling.

I haven’t a cat in hell’s chance of getting it. And I feel wobbled by my uncertainty – should I still put in an application that is so wanting? But I tell myself it is an exercise, an exercise in getting myself onto paper, in seeing what is possible and what might come back. In the end it may just bring me back, to here to what I have here, my writing, my making, my loving, my being, my thinking, my walking, my hoping. Would that be so bad?

By Ellen Bell

Artist and writer currently living in Aberystwyth.