Author: Ellen Bell

It was the last bit of my dream, just before the alarm went off. (It’s funny how one’s body or one’s mind knows when it is about to ring.) I was with a group of people, some I knew but the others were strangers to me. They wanted to commission me for some work. ‘Ellen,’ they said, ‘do you think you could make us a train that stops?’ ‘Not on the budget I assume that you’ll have.’ I replied, perhaps a little too brusquely. A response that I quickly followed with, ‘but what I think I would be a good idea…’ Then I woke, a little frustrated that I couldn’t resolve their problem. What had I been going to suggest? I tried to pull it forward from those hazy recessesses as I bathed. A trick of the eye, an illusion of a train with lights and human bodies miming it, perhaps? The interesting thing was that their request was not for a train (which I note that in my dreaming I felt I could do if they money had been available (there’s confidence for you)) but for one that stopped. A stopped train. What a metaphor, eh?

She is sounding so much stronger. She was out walking when I called, breaking off from our conversation, now and then, to shout or call for the dog. She was excited by a run-in she’d had with the taciturn farmer on the other side of her house who’d accused her of letting her dog worry his sheep (it isn’t hers but a ‘borrowed’ one for the farm next door). He’d called the police in the end and threatened to report her to the RSPCA. Her daughter had been made anxious, worried that they’d notice their cockerel’s gamy leg. The police had humoured him and told her not to worry, the dog had not been doing anything wrong. And the RSPCA never came. They were to have a VE picnic in the garden. What her daughter had made was to be a surprise. They are kind to each other, loving and self-contained. But it was good to hear her sounding so brave, so vigorous. Long may it continue.

The day promises fine. x

I’m a stayer, I stick at things, doggedly, well mostly. I try to. And I apply the same kind of perseverance to books but the one I began today at breakfast broke the pattern. I couldn’t get along with it. It wasn’t the story or plot as such but the exposition of it. It was badly written, at least in my opinion. I ended up watching the words rather than reading them. Nevertheless I don’t like giving up. Should I have continued beyond the first two chapters?’ I won’t give the author’s name. Others may approve, even enjoy his writing. I did not. So be it. I returned to Austen. She is familiar, much-known, much-loved. And the sentences are to be savoured, read and read over again, such as her mini portrait of Mrs Croft, Admiral Croft’s wife (played so wonderfully by Fiona Shaw in the film version of the book). ‘Her manners were open, easy, and decided, like one who has no distrust of herself, and no doubts of what to do..’ Isn’t that marvellous? So succinct, but so rich in detail. It says it all. And how lovely it would be to be Mrs Croft and have no distrust of oneself. Amen to that.

She’s grown up now. A proper woman. A wonderful mother. I am so proud of her. Happy birthday for yesterday my love, my darling girl.

The moon was a full circle. I think it’s a new one, in Scorpio. Thanks for that, he said when I told him at breakfast yesterday. It might be a good omen, I said, not a bad one. Auspicious, I said, particularly for Scorpios.

The air smelt of boiled sweets outside Tesco’s loading bay. I pass it as I walk. Another Eddie Stobart lorry was dropping off its load. It hissed as the steam from its engine fizzed out. I thought of the sound of the New York streets I walked seven almost eight years ago. There was that same hissing of truck engines there. And the smell of fried doughnuts and waffles from the pavement food vans that opened up early, just like the diners. Could it really have been so long ago?

I go to sleep in the daylight and wake in the dark, ridiculous, I know. But by waking early I have so much of the town to myself, and it has to be safer, doesn’t it? I saw no one else walking, except for a figure making its way up Penglais Hill, then just a police car and another civilian one. I fall asleep to the sound of the birds, the wood pigeon mostly. Woodrow Wilson we call it, and the one we used to see and hear in Spain. A universal name for wood pigeons, seemingly. And why not?

The morning is quiet. He has gone for his walk and I’m about to start work. I want to find pleasure in all that I do. I’m often in the dark about what they want so I try to enjoy the ‘freedom’ of that not knowing, even though I’m acutely aware that it may be rejected. So far so good, as they say. Grant me brilliance, this day and always. And show me how best to help her. She chattered away. The discomfort was mine. I never feel good enough for her or indeed for anybody. Was I born that way? So uncertain of my own worth? Can I learn to accept even that? Help me.

According to one specialist (I’m not sure what his specialism was, he quoted parts of his article to me from the paper) we are dreaming more in this lockdown time because our subconsciousnesses are creating the stimulus our minds are not getting during the day. I’m not completely convinced, I think it’s more to do with an underlying universal anxiety that is making our subconscious minds more alert, though what do I know? I wake from dream after dream. I know they are intricate, textured but not unpleasant. In one of them I was offered an almost full-time university post teaching drawing and writing. You’ll have to come to Birmingham, she said (a face I vaguely recognise from my past, she also hired me to teach) we’ve moved the department there. I was pleased, knew that I could do it and tested the idea of all that commuting in my head. Yes, I could do it. Will they pay expenses? I asked, ever practical, even in dreams. My main concern was telling him. But the money, I thought, will come in useful to put towards my old age. Meanwhile, in the real world, if you can call it that, no news from my employer. They can’t furlough us, apparently, at least not under the government scheme, then what, what can or will they do? Another beautiful morning and I have work to do. Hey ho. But I am glad of it. Really.

I know they are naff, ubiquitous with that seventies and eighties hippy-style of expression, but I still think the sound is lovely. I heard it first the other day when I walked sans music. I initially thought it was coming from the Nursery School garden but then I saw it hanging from the tree of the house next door. For all their gated entrance and fake-tiled driveway, those particular householders do do things that give me, as a passer-by, pleasure – such as their host of daffodils in the spring and the lit reindeer that they sometimes put on their balcony at Christmas. The wind chimes are another small delight. Thank you.

I’m not good with failing, or making mistakes. Is anybody? I try hard, too hard sometimes. Perhaps that’s the problem. I got irritable. I stood too long and my legs started to feel heavy. The mix for both the bread and the scones is still too wet and consequently takes twice as long to bake. He seems to like them though, even though he refers to the scones as rock cakes. I want to get it right. Is it the oven? Or me? The sea was sublime this morning – the gentle lapping. Though the air was still a little nippy. I made the wrong decision about the gloves. Heigh ho. Sometimes being slightly cold is preferable to being too cold. The Reunion this week was a repeat of a session with some ex POWs from Japanese camps. It was harrowing listening. And yet, such dignity. But it was the one who couldn’t forgive……

I worked hard. I think it’s OK. He seemed pleased with it. There is always more to say, more to do. I got agitated this morning about all those 10,000 things that have to be done before you get to the nub, the real work. They’re not particularly satisfying tasks, accounts, lists and admin, mostly. Just do them. You’ll feel better for clearing the way. Done now. All done. Tea and coffee for him then sew.

It can happen. Louis Theroux talks of it on his new podcast during the lockdown. Petty quarrels. They boil up over nothing. Or perhaps not. I irritated him and that made him say what he did. Fair enough. I’d sunk again. Up one day down the next. And my lowness had manifested, as it usually does, into nitpicking. First it was his liberal use of flannels and then it was the bits of leaves and undergrowth he’d brought into the house under his shoes. Neither were important, as the Theroux’s consumption of the last of avocado wasn’t. And I kept trying to ‘make it better’ and failing miserably. Both of us trying to reasonable when we just didn’t feel that way. It ended up with my sitting alone on that pallet on our borrowed wasteland. I lay down and looked at the sky, and let the sun warm my face hoping all the while a bird wouldn’t pass by and shit on me. One did eventually but on my foot rather than my face. He came back out after about 20 minutes to say that he didn’t mean it. It wasn’t his fault, it was mine. It usually is. He is much more even-tempered than I. Much. I have a lot to do today so I will get on. Begin and it will feel less scary. I promise.

I’m always a little nervous going into framing shops with work. It’s the anticipation of judgement. When I got him to ask him if he framed textiles I immediately sensed his rolling his eyes and making all sorts of assumptions about me. What does it matter what he thinks, if he thinks anything at all? I always wanted to say whenever I took stuff to the framers, and there have been so many during my life – I can do better than this, this isn’t all I can do. And now I feel just the same. Will he know that it’s a gift? And yet, as always the judgement is not coming from them but me, most after all in my experience have seen it all or are just not curious, it’s a job to them that’s all.

Can you smell his lunch? he called from downstairs, I think it’s mince. I didn’t say anything but I suspect what he was smelling was my lunch, not mince but tempeh and mushrooms. Sorry, love. Was it so bad?

When he asked him about framing textiles I asked him to check whether he would stretch it or if I had to. I used to have a woman who laced, he replied, but she’s got arthritis in her hands and can’t do it anymore.

He called the other night, well afternoon, to us it’s evening, saying that he only had 25p left on his electricity and would he drive round and collect the key to put some more on in SPAR. I got irritated. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t but he is one of those people, I can’t remember how Julia Cameron described them, who cause if not outright chaos, disruption. How could he have let it run down so low? He is self-isolating, he has been ill, is ill, so he has to ask, I get that, but so late in the day that he leaves you no choice. My love is uncomplaining, a real boy scout. Off he goes. I’m the one who takes longer to forgive. He thinks he is charming, he is not. Funny sometimes, perhaps but mostly a misogynist and he doesn’t even know it. Poor love, he is alone though. And so chaotic. Can I be kinder to him? Yes. I can.

The promise of more work and I am lifted. The tea helped too. Thank you.

It’s always about the detail, it always has been. The detail defines us, sharpens us. I’ve called her a few times during this strange period. It’s the least I can do. She is alone. She manages, she is a very capable woman but this time she said she was finding it hard. She is a sociable being. She likes company, it lifts her. She chatters away about much and nothing. I meant to pop out into the garden to tie up a rose, she said, before the rain came. The detail, you see. Proust knew this, telling us in Swann’s Way how his grandmother would loosen the rose ties in her garden in Cambray to make it seem more natural, ‘the way a mother runs her fingers through her child’s hair after a visit to the barbers’, he wrote.

There was a tent, a light blue mini jousting-style tent with pointed tip, it’s cloth adorned with sea creatures, lying capsized on the pavement outside Cwrt Cenydd. Had the wind carried from some child’s garden or even the beach? It looked sad, upended like that. Later, returning from my walk I heard the crunch of a snail’s shell under my boots. I’m so sorry. It’s dark I cannot always see my way. I hate to take a life. Any life.

He said he knew, he knew that I was struggling. I could sense it, he said. It made me feel good to know that he’d felt it, that I wasn’t alone with it. I don’t always know what to do, he said. Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it. No, he is right, I don’t. What a precious man he is. What a lucky gril I am.

My line manager writes to say that work can’t participate in the furloughing scheme. So that’s that then. It never was a safe job, I said. Now don’t run with it, he said. He is right. No point being histrionic. It is what it is. So what can I do? Be imaginative. Get that thinking cap on. Something will come. The universe is generous. And the sun is out regardless of the promise of rain. See.