I saw it as all ego – that longing for acclaim and notice. It isn’t as strong but sometimes it niggles especially when, courtesy of FB, others’ achievements are writ large. I want to be content. I want to live this quiet, this making behind closed doors if need be, with acquiescence. He made me feel better about myself. He always does. It wasn’t, it isn’t just ego, he said. It was exciting, stimulating – I enjoyed it, we enjoyed it, he said, and it’s only natural that you miss it. Wait and see, wait and see what this new work brings, you don’t know yet. And I don’t. He is kind. Even so, I want to learn to accept what is. And it is a daily task. Even now. Even now.

By Ellen Bell

Artist and writer currently living in Aberystwyth.