In my dream she was still a little girl and I was distressed because I didn’t know how to play with her, what games to think up or offer her. My father was there, though I’m not sure he was much help or even interested. G was also there, in the background, along with several other people. I think we were all in a holiday let together. There was much coming and going and discussions about meals. Someone was looking after her better than I was doing and I felt it.

No walk this morning and I am bereft. I miss the morning air on my face but the ice was too much.

I woke at 12.00 am and was taken over by fear, fear of everything and nothing. Seeing his face helps. Always.

There was a smell of Germolene in my bathroom this morning and we don’t use it. Was it her? I hope not, I’d rather she was gone to some place better. Or was it coming through the walls or tiles from a neighbour?

The flat has now been fully cleaned, my tea is in my cup and I’ve interviews to set up. I like to work but the fear of failure is ever present. Ho hum.

By Ellen Bell

Artist and writer currently living in Aberystwyth.